Escapism

I'm tired of doing things that have no significance. I'm tired of the escapism that sits at my doorstep and bounds inside at the slightest hint of an invitation. I distract myself from the discomfort of living and being around people, which ultimately makes me feel worse, because I am contradicting what I claim to be my identity. What can I do? If I didn't know it before, I am convinced that it is not in my own power to change the trend that I follow. I have to talk to someone about it.

This fall was a bit crazy. I tried to do too many things and either stressed myself out or played video games to avoid thinking about what I ought to be doing instead. I've managed to make it through, but not without some casualties.

First, I started taking 11 credits of classes for the electrical engineering technology degree. I studied electrical circuits, logic circuits, and physics I: mechanics. I enjoyed all the classes, although I found some of the instructions to be excessively vague in the circuits classes. The grading seemed too easy, as well. Physics was much more demanding and satisfying. It did, however, frustrate me frequently when I would do a long math problem, get an incorrect answer, and have no clue where I went wrong. Ultimately I did well in the classes, but I did have to drop the one-credit logic circuits lab, mostly because I did not understand the assignments, but also because I was struggling to keep up.

School probably would have been easy, except on the second week, some big changes happened at work, and I became responsible for a couple of projects--job plans related to CIW and software backups. Thus, my free time at work went from about 6 hours to maybe 2 hours. This is a preferable state of affairs, but I had counted on it not happening at least until January, so it was a rude awakening.

I also closed on the house. The closing was kind of sudden, and I should not have gone through with it, but I was being pressured and thought I could trust my realtor. As they say, trust but verify. The house is not in bad condition by any means, but a lot of the finishing touches were rushed. The cabinets were not finished, and a lot of cosmetic details were neglected. Overall, I am happy with the house. It has taken a lot of work to buy everything and supply it to feel like a home. I'm still working on that--the walls are bare, and though I had never thought much about wall decor before, the lack grates on me now. I also have no kitchen furniture yet, so that is a priority.

Two days after closing, I went to Kentucky with Jordan's family and Cody. It was a quite enjoyable trip overall. I particularly liked Lexington and Cincinnati. Highlights included the speak-easy in Lexington, the best whiskey cocktail at Michter's, an fascinating tour of Buffalo Trace, and Oktoberfest in Cincinnati. It may sound like we did nothing but drink, and it is true that most of our activities revolved around alcohol, but we mostly just tasted. It was also fun to play party games back at the house we rented.

In October, Mom, Dad, and I went to Norfolk, VA. There was a great museum around a battleship. We took a bicycle ride through town, and accidentally got on the highway. We visited a very large botanical garden. We happened upon a meadery, and while the mead was just okay, we got a lot of samples of both the honey and the mead and learned how the mead was made. The honey was very good and interesting in its variety of flavor profiles.

In November, we went to Nashville for Katie's wedding, then Warm Springs for Thanksgiving. I danced a lot at the wedding. I'm afraid it might be the last time I dance like that. I played with Madelyn for most of Thanksgiving. She was fun and has matured a lot since the last time I was around her.

I was told of a cool area in Pittsboro that has a variety of shops, including a meadery. I went to check it out with Cody. The mead there is much better than any other mead I've had in the US, except maybe the homemade kind that I had in college. Pittsboro is just far enough away that I won't be making the trip often, but if I did go, it wouldn't feel like I wasted a whole evening.

I've been exercising more lately. I'm trying to get up to five times a week--three days focused on strength and two on aerobic exercises. My alcohol consumption has diminished, although I keep thinking that Friday night means I need to indulge. Satisfying that "need" has not actually been satisfying, so hopefully that trend has ceased as of this weekend.

Back to my internal dilemma. I have barely attended church for the past four months, and I have avoided people when I do. Avoiding people has become the reason for not going to church. I was supposed to go to a type of meeting (not church-related) this past week, but I distracted myself until I could justify not attending. It is similar to the behavior of an addict, except it's more of an addiction of absence than presence. Working on this will be my priority for the new year. I'm not going to bother with any other resolutions--there's nothing nearly as important. I will come up with strategies to accomplish this resolution, though.

New House

I'll start with the biggest news: I put an offer on a house on June 10th. It's not exactly what I wanted, but it meets almost all my minimum requirements, and I think it's a suitable house for where I am now in life. The two main disadvantages are that it is 30 minutes away from the nearest church that I would attend, and that it has no garage (and adding one may be difficult). Aside from that, I am happy with the location. It is less than 15 minutes from work, and within a couple of miles of most essentials: groceries, pharmacy, gas, etc. It's an unfinished house, which has resulted in delays, but on the other hand I was able to pick out the paint, flooring, appliances, and cabinets. My initial closing date was July 25th, but the date has been pushed back several times, mainly because the power company has had difficulty getting the power to the site. Supposedly they successfully managed to connect the power yesterday, so there should only be a couple of weeks left before I can finally close.

At work, we moved to the 803 building, but mainly stayed in trailers. Then, a couple of weeks ago, we finally moved into the building itself. The building is not very comfortable, and we're not doing much more work, but things have become a little more professional and engaging. We have been installing devices in panels, which takes up two hours per day or so. I also helped to reorganize the whiteboard, and currently my main project is to contribute to the morning meetings with safety topics.

Even so, there is a decent amount of down time, and I'm not doing as much outside of work either. So I have enrolled in an electrical engineering technology program online. I am quite excited about it. I don't know which courses I will take yet, but I am hoping that it will be physics and electrical circuits. This morning I realized that for my whole life I have not gone for more than three years without attending school.

On the sadder side of change, I have been noticing an effect on my hair due to aging. I actually have had nightmares about losing hair since I turned thirty, but I didn't really think it would happen until I was at least forty. I first noticed the diminishing coverage on a picture that was put on the wall of the middle school of me showing some students how to do something. As I am bent over with the top of my head toward the camera, my scalp is somewhat noticeable. I felt that it was not too bad as long as I didn't intentially point the top of my head at someone. Then about a year ago I started wearing hats. Shortly thereafter I noticed that when my hair was stuck together, my scalp was visible in streaks. I feel that it has gotten worse since then. It's depressing, but I know there is not much that I can do about it. It has sapped a bit of my care for my appearance, I have noticed.

As far as entertainment goes, I spent a couple of months playing Factorio devotedly. I beat the game with the space age expansion, and aside from making megabases and extravagent spaceships, I feel that I have done just about everything I wanted to do. Possibly related, I have slept very poorly for most of the summer. In July I averaged 5.5 hours of sleep. Somehow I didn't feel fatigue too much, but I'm concerned about other effects. Exercising fell by the wayside for 5-6 weeks also. I've been playing Abiotic Factor with the book club irregularly. It's a really cool game and I would like to do more, but I need to prioritize sleep. Last week I decided that I would go bouldering. That served as an impetus to return to working out. When I went to the gym, I was impressed with how clean, welcoming, and uncrowded it was. I enjoyed it, though I was also frustrated at how quickly I got tired and became unable to climb anymore. I built a shelf in the garage for batteries. I've been reading webfiction mostly. I read through the first nine books of Cradle, but I have stalled on the tenth one.

Coming up: I'll be moving into my house and taking a few trips in September and October.

Housing is a pain

I had a dentist appointment scheduled for today, so I decided to take the whole day off, my first since I started at Toyota. I kind of wish that I had not, because I'm really antsy. The Dunkin' Donuts breakfast I got after the appointment could be the primary cause, but I think even without it I would be struggling to find an outlet for my time. Next Monday is Memorial Day, so I get that off also, but at least Mom and Dad will be home then.

During my third week at RCC, I was contacted by my group leader, and I went to the plant the next week (April 14th). I've been in building 801 in the five weeks since then, with the exception of a couple days in 802. Several people have expressed their confusion that I am working in the hybrid battery building (801) when I am intended to work in the electric battery building (803) where the machinery is completely different. I agree that it does not appear very logical, but I am happy to have the opportunity to become familiar with the industrial environment in a low-pressure situation. I did find out today that we will be working in 803 starting Wednesday.

What have I learned? I have become slightly familiar with HMIs (human-machine interfaces) which are used to operate the machinery. I've become acquainted with the operations of several pumps. The beginning of the battery-making process, which we call electrode, has become very familiar to me because that is where I have been working. Despite some negativity, I still hear that Toyota is a great company that offers many potential avenues of success. Frustrations with bureaucratic processes continue to emerge, particularly because I have yet to receive a company device with which I could be contributing and fulfilling more duties, but these are completely within expectations.

Bible memory continues apace. I have started memorizing Romans 10. Most mornings on the way to work I listening to Romans 5-10 and try to say it along with the recording. This has helped retention considerably, although I'm not sure that I could say it without the recording in its entirety. I will have to devise another test or aid to reach the highest level of memorization--unprompted recitation.

As for other side pursuits, my interest in Satisfactory petered out, then I played a bullet heaven game for a couple of weeks. Now I'm revisiting the idle Kittens Game, but otherwise trying to avoid video games. I would like to read a visual novel to improve my Japanese, though. For the past few weeks I have been doing better about exercising, too. I jogged/walked all the way from the house to the car repair place, and that accomplishment inspired me to challenge myself more in that area. I haven't made much progress with the theology books or the historical narrative that is our next book club book, but I intend to change that in the near future. Oh, I watched a cooking video earlier today and was wowed by the person's knife skills. Developing my knife skills would decrease the time it takes to cook things considerably, so I intend to pursue this improvement.

I have given up liquor almost entirely, but in its place I've been drinking beer. It's harder to drink too much beer, but unfortunately I have been drinking it too often. It has probably been affecting my sleep, so I'm going to give it up, at least for a while. In its place, I ordered some tea. I intend to make tea my guilty indulgence, which is at least half the reason I drink beer--I feel like I deserve something indulgent at the end of a workday/workweek.

Wow, all that before I finally get to the topic that has been of greatest concern to me for the past weeks: the problem of housing. Honestly, in my price range, I haven't seen any house that fits my requirements. I've looked at seven houses, and the two that I think I could live with still present some serious concerns. Honestly, I would rather buy land and customize, but I feel that at this point I know so little about homeownership that doing so would be too overwhelming. Plus, going that way seems like it might become more expensive than I can handle, because there are so many disparate costs required before the house is even viable. I have only looked seriously for about a month, but already I want to throw up my hands in frustration. I think my next step should be talking to an acquaintance who is more knowledgable about this sort of thing.

Starting at Toyota

So, the big news--how is Toyota? It's a completely different mindset from anywhere else I've worked. That's probably because it's so much bigger. I could see that creating many difficulties, but Toyota places such strong emphasis on systems that the potential problems should be able to be avoided or resolved, or so I believe. Resolution does tend to take a while, though, from what I've seen. 

There are several things I have heard over and over that I am very excited about:

• Toyota is a fantastic company
• There is plenty of training
• There are paths designed for transfer to other positions

My first two weeks were an orientation, focused on creating the culture that people want to have from the beginning. I met several people, but I mostly hung out with the other maintenance guys. They are generally a great group of people I think--quite fun. After orientation, we spent two weeks at the community college, mostly taking safety classes to prepare us for being at the plant. That period ended yesterday, but most of us still did not have team assignments yet (including me), so we will be back at the college on Monday.

There is so much more I could say, but I guess I should have made daily notes because those things are not coming to me now. So for now, let's go back to before I started at Toyota. I ended up only subbing two days out of the three weeks I was unemployed. I should have subbed another 1-2 days, but I got sick. I wish I had been able to sub more, but I was fairly productive with my time off--cleaning, organizing, and investigating houses. Oh, I also tried to help out with some 3D printing and scanning for a couple of days.

Bible memory has gone well. I have a 60 day streak and have nearly finished learning (or rather, starting to learn) Romans 8. Church, prayer, and Bible reading have not been as consistent. I haven't missed a morning service except when I was sick, but I haven't consistently attended the evening services. My reading has veered toward webfiction. I did purchase some books recommended in the systematic theology class at church, but I haven't read much of them yet. I've been cooking a good bit, even during the work week. When I don't have anything else to do, I have been playing Satisfactory. I don't get sucked in as much as I did for Factorio, though--I find it hard to play for more than two hours at a time. I think it's because my new way of playing is to make modular factories that are visually appealing and logical, which involves a whole lot more than just finding sources and connecting machines with conveyer belts.

Now that I feel confident about my career future, I have been researching houses. By my next post--hopefully in early summer--I hope to have a plan for acquiring my own residence. I've been looking at houses that are already built, but they rarely have the features I like, whereas new modular home designs are more in the style that I want. A modular home would require that I have land, which adds considerable complexity to the already intimidating process of acquiring a house.

God is good

It's 2025. I can't believe it. I'm 36 years old, all too rapidly approaching 40, and there are so many aspects of my character and life that are less mature than they should be at this point. I have to hold on to the promise that "He who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Jesus Christ."

As mentioned, I started applying for a new job in the new year. In particular, after looking around, I decided that I was only interested in working at ABB, and I felt that with my connection there, I should be able to get my foot in the door without great difficulty. Well, after 3 weeks I was rejected from the job I had applied for. Internal investigation revealed that I had applied for a position that was already filled, and thus had to reapply for a different position. (Even though it was technically the same position, the number which identified the position in the system was different). After doing that, the job offer came within 10 days, and I gave notice of my resignation at my current job shortly thereafter.

The new job offered several perks that excited me. It involved wiring, which I enjoy--following diagrams to wire equipment was one of my favorite things about electrical work, and that was the bulk of what I would be doing as I understood it. Of course it was a manufacturing job, which means to me consistency in hours, location, and expectations. I was looking forward to being able to move to Mebane as well as knowing my exact route to work every day. Also, it was a second-shift job. That meant less traffic on my commute, the ability to go to school in the mornings, and less crowded outings on mornings when I did not have school. On the other hand, I was a bit intimidated by the promise of overtime. As much as I enjoy wiring, I know that it can be tough on hand muscles and frustrating in conjunction with considerable fatigue. The possibility of doing it ten hours a day for multiple days in a row certainly inspired some trepidation.

Nevertheless, I was excited to begin this job on Monday, until I received a call about 5 PM yesterday (the Friday before). I was offered a position at Toyota, nine and a half months after my application, and after hearing nothing from them for about six months. In my surprise I nearly had second thoughts, but I did end up accepting the offer.

The delay in this offer caused me considerable frustration and uncertainty in the last eight months. There is an obvious practical reason that Toyota waited this long--they needed to get the first production line up and running, and I didn't have the experience to be on the first line. Why couldn't they have told me that I might have to wait until January or February? I'm not sure, but I believe that God used it for my good. I don't believe in pigeonholing His reasons with my narrow understanding, but here are some thoughts I had for why it might be for my good:

• I used some of the time to take classes at ACC, which was a tremendously edifying experience, one that I believe will serve me to great advantage in this position.
• I was able to work at Brady, which I regard as a great company. Despite all the company's good qualities, though, I became convinced that field work was not amenable to my disposition, leading me to renounce my ambition for an electrical license. I may not have been convinced of this by working at a different company.
• Perhaps God was able to use me at Brady in some way for encouragement of others. I feel that this might have happened.
• If I had known that I only needed short-term work, I probably would have worked in general contracting. While I might have learned more, I would have been paid less and, as implied above, held on to a dream of getting an electrical license and always wondered what working for a proper company would be like.
  
  

In other news, I have been attending church regularly since the beginning of the year, and from tomorrow I plan to start going to the evening service as well as Sunday School, which I have attended for a few weeks. I had fully intended to join this church, but now I'm a little hesitant given that I won't be living in Mebane anymore. I think I should probably go ahead with it though. There is plenty of possibility that I will move to a place within a reasonable distance from Mebane.

Some updates on my gaming: from mid-September until the new year, my free time was principally consumed by Factorio. I started three different games, and though I never beat the game, I got close twice. After the first and second games, I found ways to optimize my building. By the end of the third game, I was just tired of Factorio. I may return to it someday and beat it, but honestly I hope not. In other video game news, the book club finally beat Baldur's Gate near the end of January. We started playing an action RPG, which is less serious and easier to break off from early in the evening.

Since leaving the obsession of Factorio, I've been reading more. A good bit of webfiction, but also more edifying texts, including Jonathan Edwards, Amusing Ourselves to Death, and as of yesterday, Brave New World. I've also done better with my scripture memory, and I think I might be ready to begin learning new verses again this coming week. If I manage that, I will speak more about my new methods in the next post.

Speaking of next post, I will have 3 weeks before I begin the new job. I have volunteered to sub at school, which I'm excited about, but I doubt they will need me every one of those days. Hence, I should have no excuse not to write something by the time I start the new job. Or perhaps I will start one and finish it soon after beginning the new job. That does sound risky, but we will see.

As promised, the 2024 finale

2024 was the year of leaving education. Now that I've written that sentence, I'd like to go back and do the past years.

2023 - the year of moving back home for the last time (hopefully?)

2022 - the year of the master's degree

2021 - the gap year of electrical work and Christmas decorations in Florida

2020 - the year of leaving Japan (and COVID)

2019 - the year of parents visiting Japan

2018 - the best year in Japan, working in Narakawa

2017 - the year of finishing programming and moving to Japan

2016 - the year of the first apartment (in the US)

2015 - the year of variety (Russia, UNCG classes, Food Lion, Wendy's, NC State, RCC, ACC)

2014 - the year in Russia

2013 - the year of job search frustration

2012 - the year in Vietnam

2011 - the year of the CELTA

2010 - the year of graduation and moving to France

2009 - the year of trajectory horror (multiple failures and reconsidering my goals)

2008 - the year of England and literary exhileration

2007 - the year of college reality

2006 - the year of high school graduation and the ideal college experience

2005 - the year of tech support and programming

2004 - the year of having high school friends

2003 - the year... that the band started? I don't quite remember, and nothing else comes to mind.

2002 - the year of mission trips and Greek and Lord of the Rings figures

2001 - the year of the Washington DC visit

Trying to go earlier would require some research and discussion to give appropriate names to the years. As it is, I'm sure that I forgot something more important. Regardless, that was fun, and I think it will be good for future reference.

I have worked at my current job for nearly 4 months now. I believe that I do understand it more, but compared to two months ago, I am enjoying it less. I've found that for the most part, there isn't much comprehension necessary to get the job done. About 90% of our work is pulling wire or making a path for the wire. It gets monotonous. Still, I think I would be okay with it if my coworkers were less inclined to take every opportunity to avoid working. The job also does not seem to contribute much to career advancement. I'm still listening to sermons during my commute, but it's frustratingly difficult at times to understand the words through the heavy rattling of the van I drive. Furthermore, the 50+ minutes of driving through heavy traffic is getting on my nerves, especially when it gets even longer on the way home from the Raleigh area. I'm planning to actively look for a new job starting next week.

An interesting thing happened two weeks ago--an HR person contacted me. Normally I ignore contacts through a job searching site, but she was looking to hire someone to translate/interpret Japanese in a manufacturing environment. I talked with her on the phone and then I had an interview with the hiring manager which included a brief test of my Japanese skills. He felt that I did well enough to be a good candidate for the translator/interpreter position, but I felt that a job which relied on me talking most of the time in a high-pressure environment would be a nightmare. They had a more technical role available, but he said I didn't have the experience for that. Overall it was a positive, though slightly disappointing event.

Otherwise, not much has happened since the last post. My routines are mostly the same, and I still have not joined a church. Also, I mentioned gaining 5 pounds in my August post--I've decided that that was mostly muscle, given that it has since disappeared and nothing has obviously changed except that I have not exercised. I have thought a lot about things mentioned in my last post, particularly related to the transience of life. I have not acted on my thoughts, though. I hope that by my next post, something will have changed in that regard.

As the new year is approaching, I have to consider my goals. I would say that they have barely changed since last year, except my fitness goal would be more modest while I'm in my current job--once or twice a week. I'm not inclined to retry journaling on a regular basis, nor do I have any DIY projects that I would like to do. There is one thing I think I have improved this year--I haven't spent as much time on webfiction. My current pattern of reading maybe an hour of that type of fiction per week is acceptable. I intend to reduce my video game time to spend more time reading worthwhile books, though.

Careers and Consequences

Before the updates on my life, I have to bring up the fact that half the reason I have continued to blog for as long as I have is because of my grandfather. He has now passed away. I was never close to him--I sent him emails two or three times a year, and visited once or twice a year when I was in the country. He was an interesting person, though it was seldom apparent to me. He was very strict in his household and didn't have great relationships with his children, but he seemed to have a lot of charisma elsewhere. He had interests in many different fields. To be honest, I don't know how he continued living as long as he did. As far as I could tell, he lived for people. He had a couple of relationships after Grandma died, and they seemed very important to him, but I don't think there were any special ones in the last four years. I don't think I could do that. If God gives me the strength to live that long, I think that I would need a cause to sustain me past a certain point. Anyway, although I was not close to him, I doubt that I will ever write a blogpost without thinking about Grandpa. I do miss him.

I have now been at my job of HVAC controls wiring for 7 weeks. The job is not difficult, but there are many things I don't understand. I've been hopping around to many different jobs in various phases of completion. I'm hoping that if I come on to a job and see it from beginning to end, I will have a much better idea of how everything works--that is mostly what happened when I was doing electrical. I am eager to get to the point where I am less dependent on the job lead to assign tasks--I want to be able to look at what needs to be done and be able to do it. Also, it's a little frustrating that we don't get to see the effects of what we do. We wire up the HVAC systems so that they can be controlled through thermostats and such, but they don't work until the technicians come in and troubleshoot them, which is usually after we have left the job (apparently). In electrical, we got to see lights come on and outlets work if nothing else.

There are many positives about the job, though. The company is dedicated to giving us the tools and support that we need. My coworkers are easy to get along with, and I like working with them for the most part. There is a good deal of flexibility, if it is needed. Our default schedule is four days a week, ten hours a day. I would prefer to have more time to spend every day on tasks outside of work rather than an entire free day, but being saved a 2 hour commute is easily worth the deficit of free time during the work week.

Outside work, life is quite different from how it was when I taught school. On workdays, I generally get home after 6 PM, and by the time I have showered and eaten, it is 7 PM. The book club has been playing Baldur's Gate 2-3 times a week for about 2 hours, so that has eaten some of that time. Otherwise I generally play video games for an hour, and then I read until I fall asleep. On the weekends, I have mostly cooked or played video games. It has become very apparent how easy it is to live by myself and for myself. I'm not sure why this sense was less apparent when I was teaching. Perhaps I felt too busy, or perhaps I felt that I was contributing sufficiently by being a teacher.

Given that I no longer feel obligated to devote almost every waking hour to improving my lesson plans, I have come to re-evaluate where I find value in my life. Relevant to that--since I generally commute around 45 minutes to work each way, I've spent that time listening to John Piper books and sermons. I've been continuously convicted that my way of life is self-centered and short-sighted. What should be done to change that? I need to be involved in church. I've got a church, but I don't know how to get involved, except for asking outright. Why am I so afraid to do that? The reception can only be positive. I don't know. Outside that, I need to get back to studying Bible verses. It's an easy thing that could be done even during breaks at work. I'd like to get involved in some sort of volunteering activity, but I might just become a substitute at school--that would be sufficient, I think.

Although I'm not fond of the commute length, I do like having my thoughts refocused by the sermons that I hear. I wish that I would stop passing judgment on the value of the sermons and instead pass judgment on how well I heard the message. I would like to pray more. 

I am still drinking a fair bit. I thought I was doing better, and my unofficial rule was that I would only buy straight gin or rum. But it's difficult to go to a store (looking for a particular rum) and not buy anything, especially when there are things that I want to buy. This past week I went buy a store that had almost everything I have heard of, and many things that I had never seen. I bought way too much, so now I'm back to thinking--"Wow, I have too much alcohol."

Next Friday, I hope to work on investigating morgage preapproval. I have been looking at houses to purchase for several months now. On the other hand, I realized that cooking for Mom and Dad gives me an excuse and a reason to enjoy cooking more as well as veer away from video games. We shall see. I intend to update again at the end of the year. I will recap, report on church and service involvement, and express hopes for the year 2025.