Recovery

More or less since Golden Week I've been having difficulty living.  I’m frustrated that I’m in a dead-end job, and I don’t feel like I can find a job with better prospects. I’ve been seriously thinking about marriage for ten years and yet I feel like I haven’t really changed my approach and therefore I don’t have much hope for anything new in that regard. I don’t do what I want to do or feel like I should do because I’m lazy, and I’m tired of struggling because I never really get anywhere. Social interaction almost consistently makes me feel remorseful, so I have to push myself to do it and I’m sick of it. On top of that, I'm frustrated with my relationship with God. I don't read the Bible because there's too much that I don't understand, and then I get frustrated with praying because I feel like I'm not doing it right or consistently or I once again don't understand so much.

Last weekend I felt a bit better, maybe partially because of the company party, but then on Friday I had a slightly stressful day so I came home and went straight to bed, and more or less stayed there until Sunday afternoon. I felt a bit better on Sunday afternoon, but I was very hungry because I had barely eaten, so I went to the supermarket. When I got back, I was tired and almost just as bad off as I had been in the morning. I did manage to talk to my parents, but I suspect that it was a bit rough for them.

I had a fairly unremarkable day at work, but I did feel more driven than I have in a while. When I got home I even pulled out my violin, which hasn't seen the light since Golden Week. I ended up getting frustrated with how out of tune I was and put it down within 20 minutes. Next I played Factorio for about an hour, and then I stopped and had some kind of revelation.

My problems, excepting the spiritual ones, stem from a lack of social confidence. Well okay, and also a lack of drive at times to pursue my goals. But social confidence ties into that as well because if I felt that my lack of skills were the only thing preventing me from getting a computer job or improving my Japanese, then I would be more motivated. As it is, the intimidation of job hunting and starting a new job is probably just as demotivating if not more than laziness. As far as Japanese goes, while the certification is a great practical goal, it's the prospect of daily conversation that motivates me to actually follow through with studying outside of the three-weeks-before-the-exam panic.

One thing that probably contributes to my recent depression is fanfiction. I really enjoy fanfiction--it's easy to read, exciting, fun, free, and easily accessible. But many of the stories that I like to read often have protagonists with unrealistically idealized social situations. They're always very smart and talented, and therefore notable and attractive. These stories make my normal life undesirable in comparison. Furthermore, I've felt for a long time that people are the most important thing, but by being unable to connect with them, I've classified myself as something of a failure.

So then, what if I practice social confidence? That's not really something I've done before. I've resolved to do better, but I've never actually had a plan. I don't know what the plan would be yet--maybe something like initiating a conversation with two people every day. Wow, that would be rough, but I think it would be possible. I don't think it's enough just to do something though--my mindset needs to change too.

How about my job situation? So for a while I was thinking that I would try to become a teacher in Japan, but aside from the inherent difficulty of being a public school educator in a foreign country, there's also apparently an oversaturation of teachers, and the job has very long hours including some weekends, and the prefecture (which is the employer) can move teachers around however they please, and tend to do so frequently.

I haven't done a ton of research about private education in Japan, but from what I've seen the only way to make it lucrative is to start one's own business, something that probably requires more willpower than I possess. Thus, if I'm going to stay in Japan, I'll have to find a new sector of employment. Translation is a possibility that I need to investigate. I've actually seen several game translation jobs, which I think I would be good at but I'd really prefer not to work in the game industry on principle. Anyway, so that's one option. My original plan was to work in software development. Although there definitely are jobs in that area, almost all the ones I've seen that request foreigners are located in Tokyo. I suppose I might ask myself if living in Tokyo is worse than living in America. I'm not sure of the answer--maybe I'll have to visit with that in mind.

Wow, it's a novel, but I think I feel better. It might be time to write out some more goals, but honestly I don't think they've really changed since the last time I wrote them (and maybe not even compared to the time before that).