I'mma get philosophical here, but first let's look at my point of departure.
I met a girl through OKCupid. I've been chatting with her for... well okay, basically two months, which isn't that long, but it felt like a long time. Today I met her in person. She's cute, easy to talk to, interesting, speaks fluent English but uses Japanese too. We seem to have similar values and ideas, from the things that we discussed. She's an incredibly positive person, which is very important to me. In short, she checks a whole bunch of the boxes, and I also feel like we have good やり取り(exchange in English, but that sounds weird).
Do we have chemistry? I don't know. When I think of being attracted to someone, two girls come to mind, both from my university days. Most likely I was idealizing them--I certainly was never comfortable enough to talk with them very well during those days. There was another girl that I was super attracted to, but mainly in the physical sense. I couldn't talk to her either, not because I was idealizing her but because I projected that she was popular and apathetic about school, whereas I was nerdy and outcast. (Wow, I didn't even need to go to high school to be part of a clique--I mostly created those stereotypes all by myself.)
What about girls that I enjoyed spending time with, and could have married? I would say that none of the three were exactly my type--making my breath catch and thoughts blur. But I also can't say that they would be incapable of that at certain moments. And isn't that more normal, and to be honest, less stressful? Physical attraction is exciting, but a physical sight will eventually become normal, or it will wear out. I think it's like a roller coaster--it only lasts for a short time, and then you have to get in line and wait for the next ride. Some people get tired of waiting. I like that analogy.
Anyway, the point is that I should stop expecting a Disney-style love-at-first-sight-instant-connection because it has never actually happened to me. Not that I was really expecting this, but if not this then what? With those three girls, there was a lot of talking, and with two of them especially, shared experiences. The third one had more shared values which made up for our lack of shared experiences. Thinking about my parents, their many games of golf--days of friendship--were undeniably indispensable to their romantic relationship. So essentially, I need to find a girl that I think could eventually fit, and even if I don't feel a connection, invest in a friendship to see if it can develop into more.
Okay, but then why did the thing last year with the girl from church fizzle out? We went out a couple times, we had some fun together, why did I give up? I think I just couldn't feel that relationship developing. Our conversations were always superficial, and if I tried to dig deeper, she didn't respond in turn. So essentially I would say that while I enjoyed spending time with another human being rather than her specifically. Maybe.
So how about this girl I met today? I don't think it's going to work, unfortunately. The main reason should be because she isn't a Christian (I don't think a Christian would go to the temple on New Year's Day, plus it's generally a safe assumption about Japanese people). But I don't think that would be reason enough if it weren't for the other two. First, despite my lack of progress on my application, I'm 95% committed to getting an MAT at Liberty, which means I have less than five months left in Japan, and the next two will be very busy for her. Second, she lives kind of far away. It's an expensive and time-consuming trip, and she also seems to work a lot and doesn't have much free time. And just messaging her without meeting is dangerous because in the past it has led to idealization, so distance is a big factor. She is unquestionably the most interesting Japanese person I have met, and I'm kind of angry at the situation. If I had met her three months ago, things might be different. But maybe that is exactly why I'm meeting her now--it's too late to do something, because I'm not meant to do anything. Ugh, depressing. And what do I say to her from here?
I met a girl through OKCupid. I've been chatting with her for... well okay, basically two months, which isn't that long, but it felt like a long time. Today I met her in person. She's cute, easy to talk to, interesting, speaks fluent English but uses Japanese too. We seem to have similar values and ideas, from the things that we discussed. She's an incredibly positive person, which is very important to me. In short, she checks a whole bunch of the boxes, and I also feel like we have good やり取り(exchange in English, but that sounds weird).
Do we have chemistry? I don't know. When I think of being attracted to someone, two girls come to mind, both from my university days. Most likely I was idealizing them--I certainly was never comfortable enough to talk with them very well during those days. There was another girl that I was super attracted to, but mainly in the physical sense. I couldn't talk to her either, not because I was idealizing her but because I projected that she was popular and apathetic about school, whereas I was nerdy and outcast. (Wow, I didn't even need to go to high school to be part of a clique--I mostly created those stereotypes all by myself.)
What about girls that I enjoyed spending time with, and could have married? I would say that none of the three were exactly my type--making my breath catch and thoughts blur. But I also can't say that they would be incapable of that at certain moments. And isn't that more normal, and to be honest, less stressful? Physical attraction is exciting, but a physical sight will eventually become normal, or it will wear out. I think it's like a roller coaster--it only lasts for a short time, and then you have to get in line and wait for the next ride. Some people get tired of waiting. I like that analogy.
Anyway, the point is that I should stop expecting a Disney-style love-at-first-sight-instant-connection because it has never actually happened to me. Not that I was really expecting this, but if not this then what? With those three girls, there was a lot of talking, and with two of them especially, shared experiences. The third one had more shared values which made up for our lack of shared experiences. Thinking about my parents, their many games of golf--days of friendship--were undeniably indispensable to their romantic relationship. So essentially, I need to find a girl that I think could eventually fit, and even if I don't feel a connection, invest in a friendship to see if it can develop into more.
Okay, but then why did the thing last year with the girl from church fizzle out? We went out a couple times, we had some fun together, why did I give up? I think I just couldn't feel that relationship developing. Our conversations were always superficial, and if I tried to dig deeper, she didn't respond in turn. So essentially I would say that while I enjoyed spending time with another human being rather than her specifically. Maybe.
So how about this girl I met today? I don't think it's going to work, unfortunately. The main reason should be because she isn't a Christian (I don't think a Christian would go to the temple on New Year's Day, plus it's generally a safe assumption about Japanese people). But I don't think that would be reason enough if it weren't for the other two. First, despite my lack of progress on my application, I'm 95% committed to getting an MAT at Liberty, which means I have less than five months left in Japan, and the next two will be very busy for her. Second, she lives kind of far away. It's an expensive and time-consuming trip, and she also seems to work a lot and doesn't have much free time. And just messaging her without meeting is dangerous because in the past it has led to idealization, so distance is a big factor. She is unquestionably the most interesting Japanese person I have met, and I'm kind of angry at the situation. If I had met her three months ago, things might be different. But maybe that is exactly why I'm meeting her now--it's too late to do something, because I'm not meant to do anything. Ugh, depressing. And what do I say to her from here?
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