Goals solidifying

Last night I had a good chat with Mom about my career options. She responded positively to my idea of trying out the work of an electrician. I need to get more information about it, of course, and try it out. I’m more excited about it than education, but I have to get the education degree. That is my top priority.

Mom also recommended that I try doing a little bit of programming every day, and focus on it. When I made my proposal of other ideas to try, she said that maybe I shouldn’t force myself. But I think there is value in forcing myself, and I haven’t really made a formulaic plan to do programming. So this week I’m going to force myself to do 20 minutes every day, and nothing else. If I can’t get anywhere after this week, maybe I’ll give it up, at least while I’m in Japan.

Many times that I talk to Mom about a teaching career, she talks about all the things that I could teach, and that makes me really eager to try, even though I know it would be a lot of work.

Also yesterday I fully intended to go to church, but when the time rolled around, I was still in bed. I don’t know why. And the next three weekends are long weekends (well, actually the third one is just a Sunday-Monday weekend). I’d like to go somewhere, and if that happens I won’t be going to church.

Ugh, it’s a bit difficult to write in the afternoon. My thoughts aren’t as clear. Also, today is extremely hot—just sitting down I’m dripping with sweat.

Electrician

I think I mentioned that I had been considering a more practical job like construction work to try out when I go back home. I looked into that and some other trade-type jobs, and it seems like two of the best trades are electrician and welder. Welding honestly sounds less interesting, more uncomfortable and involving a lot of heat. Being an electrician is apparently more dangerous, but it involves more creative and/or interpretative thinking and is slightly less physical. Construction was the main thing I was interested in, but it sounds like a lot of hard work and doesn’t pay much better than customer service, whereas an electrician can make more than a teacher. Not as much as a programmer though, ugh.

I thought of a new idea for programming though—what if I focus on embedded systems? There are plenty of jobs for that, and I think they’re pretty much all worthwhile. Also, they tend to use C from what I understand, which is a language I am familiar with. Having some electrician experience would be beneficial too, I would think. Honestly, programming is so daunting and I don’t know where to start. I get a weekly newsletter about it, but maybe I should investigate more closely how to get a job and what kind of job I’m looking for.

Somehow I stumbled upon tiny houses. They sound really neat. I would love to build one myself, but there isn’t much point unless I’m going to stay in the US for at least a few years. But if I were going to build one, it would be great to have electrician experience under my belt (otherwise I would have to hire one). Generally I’m a big fan of do it yourself projects. Tiny homes are usually built on trailers, and personally I’m not sure I would want one that small, and I certainly wouldn’t want to drive it.

Instead of accepting this wanderlust as a part of my personality, what if I ask “why do I want to move?” Maybe it’s partially social. I feel like my social group is stagnant and unsatisfying. I’m nervous about investing more in people, because there are more expectations, and I have difficulty remembering things about people unless I feel like I make a good connection with them (like I do with my students). I think that’s part of the reason that I take breaks from church—I’m dissatisfied with my relations with people, and I want to try starting over. Sure, I also want to experience new things and I do get tired of old things, but I’ve also never been in anything I considered a permanent position in the US, or anywhere else, for that matter. I’ve never thought to myself, “I could see myself doing this (or something closely related) in five or ten years.” I tried to get there with a programming job, but I was overwhelmed with my lack of success, and I wanted to go to Japan, and yeah, it was May, which is when I tend to get restless.

So my top priority should be finding a job that would potentially be more or less permanent, and then see if I really do have wanderlust. Also, improve my ability to interact with people. Hah, good luck.

Stifled

Saturday I went with the other teachers to Matsumoto to a beer (?) festival. The beer was ridiculously expensive—there was a mediocre beer for $6/400ml, but the others were $12/500ml or more. Some Japanese people sat next to us and we chatted with them for almost the whole time. The festival ended at 9, but we had a good enough time that we wanted to continue the night so we went to a sketchy bar afterwards. A few others joined us at that time and they were friendly but vulgar—I don’t mind a little bit of that from a person that I know well, but it makes a very negative first impression on me. We caught the last train home, and the hour and a half interim was more painful than fun.

On Sunday I didn’t do anything except climb at the gym. My favorite wall was occupied for most of the time, so I wore myself out a bit on the more difficult walls, but I did a couple of difficult red problems including one of my old favorites. Even so, I felt oddly dissatisfied in the end. I’m still quite sore though, which is kind of a nice sensation. Oh, but I punched one of the holds and now my left pointer finger occasionally gives me sharp pains. I managed to continue climbing for half an hour after doing so, but I think I’ll take an unplanned rest today in the hopes that it won’t be as painful next time I climb.

Yesterday I was extremely busy at the junior high school. It was a pretty good day, though. I really enjoy the 3-3 class, although I haven’t taught them much. In fact, I feel like the only classes I’ve taught very regularly are 1-3, 3-1, ishizue, open, and maybe 2-2. It's only my second week back, but maybe I'm getting used to the junior high school. Then again, I've avoided one teacher as much as possible, so maybe that's the solution.

I have had lots of thoughts about my purpose and direction, but they haven’t solidified into anything resembling a resolution or decision. Both Wyatt and Davide had dates on Sunday. This morning I was thinking about how if I went to Vietnam I could probably find a beautiful girlfriend quickly. It’s really appealing, aside from the fact that I don’t want to live in Vietnam long-term or speak Vietnamese.

I mentioned to mom and dad that I could possibly stay in Japan another year. Because of my investments, that is the most hassle-free and financially wise step to take, but I can’t even entertain it seriously. Right now I feel stifled in Japan, illogically. It’s not dissimilar to the feeling I got in the US after two years, and I suspect it will only get worse as the end of the school year draws near. I kind of wonder if I would get the same feeling from marrying someone, and therefore, to prepare myself for that, I should do my best to bear with it. I just looked up jobs and it seems like October is a good start date for Morocco.

Ugh, I've told myself several times that going back to Vietnam would be stupid, kind of like going back to college or high school, but it's still so appealing. Thinking back, Vietnam was the happiest part of my adult life, and if I could, I probably would go back to college regardless of how silly it might be.

Too much Factorio

This weekend started out well enough. I got up on Saturday and went to tennis. Then it went bad, because there was no tennis, so I just did a ten-minute loop around the park. I read for a bit and then went to the supermarket. I had planned to go climbing, but I wanted to invite Corali and maybe Wyatt, and since I met Corali leaving on my way back from the supermarket, I decided to put off the trip until Sunday. Thus, I spent the rest of the day on Factorio, and had difficulty sleeping.

My plan was to go to church on Sunday. I didn’t go, and felt terrible because of it, so I wallowed in Factorio, and expected to do so for the whole day. Then I got frustrated with trying to make sulfuric waste water without ore processing (it’s basically impossible without tons of land or blue science), and decided that I was going to go climbing after all. I had a really good session despite tearing up two of my fingers. In particular, I decided on a goal of figuring out how to do the first long course as smoothly and effortlessly as possible. It’s almost like choreography. I also tried the second long course. I didn’t get very far, but I felt productive even so.

I woke up at 5:30 despite going to sleep around 1. I tried to go back to sleep, but gave up and studied a bit of kanji. Then I played Factorio until 7. I semi-automated blue science, but I have an aluminium bottleneck that was extreme even after I tripled my processing power. I think I’ll add another flotation unit or two, then maybe I’ll start making non-silicon glass next.

It was 18 degrees when I woke up, so I decided to come to school by bicycle for the first time since June. I was a little late so I pedaled harder than I probably should have and thus was a bit sweaty when I arrived, but I think if I hadn’t done that it would have been a very pleasant and refreshing ride. Today I hope to finally make a reservation for the farmstay for next month. I also would like to pick up my debit card which is at the post office, but I can’t quite figure out how to do so.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ll be doing either of these. I will probably go straight home, play Factorio, and maybe read a little. I read four chapters of a novel here at school, but it's a little slow so far and I'm tired of working hard to concentrate.

First day of the second term

Today was the first day of school in the second term, after summer vacation. We had a second term opening ceremony which was mercifully short. In general I think that the number of ceremonies and the procedures taken tend to be excessive if not altogether unnecessary, but today’s ceremony made me think. About a quarter of it was dedicated to students reading an essay they wrote, probably at the end of last term. The subject was what they planned to do better this term. They all said that they would study harder for tests, for example.

This made me think about the power of saying (maybe communicating?) what you are or what you intend. Because the students announced their intentions, maybe their friends will hold them accountable, or maybe their own conscience will remind them. I remember that I told some people that I was going to bike to Matsumoto one night, and even though I didn’t want to do it, I did it because I had said that I would. Also, when I write on a social media profile that I like something, I feel some kind of compulsion to do that activity regardless of whether I feel like doing it or not. I think this was stronger when I used social media (facebook) more often, because lately the compulsion feels very weak.

In other news, I’ve barely drunk coffee for the past month. However, apparently I’m back to waking up at 5, and now I’m feeling a bit dazed. Yesterday during the staff meeting I nearly fell asleep. So I’m thinking that I need to try drinking it again. I read that it’s bad to drink coffee early in the morning, but maybe if I make it when I get to school and then drink it during first or second period (or between, if I have to), maybe I will avoid the ill effects.

Yesterday I went to the climbing gym. I tried hard, and managed to climb a few red problems, but I climbed so awkwardly that it was quite tiring and a bit discouraging. But really I haven’t gone consistently since April, maybe only four or five times, so I’m still trying to get back into it.

Drawbacks

I spent an excessive amount of time on Factorio this morning, but I don’t think it affected me too much, as I subsequently cooked lunch and spent a solid hour reading a Japanese web novel. I’m very pleased with how engrossed I can get in web novels. They’re somehow easier than visual novels—maybe because I tend to choose somewhat difficult visual novels. Maybe if I played the typical “choose a girlfriend” type of visual novel I wouldn’t have as much difficulty.

Yesterday and today I was thinking about a few serious drawbacks of pursuing the master’s degree. I already have a Japanese visa, cell phone, bank account, documents, etc., and it’s a pain to get those. Also, just by having those I have an advantage over the majority of applicants for the job (probably). If I go home I will have some expenses in addition to the airfare, the biggest of which will probably be transportation. I guess if I work close enough, like at Food Lion, I could just bike to work, but there are days where that won’t be practical. I could get a motorbike or motorcycle, but though it might be a bit cheaper I’m not sure it would be significantly better, and I would still have the problem of getting rid of it before leaving.

Finally, I realized that doing a master’s program in one and a half years is not an easy route. I was thinking that I could work full-time or semi-full time, at least until my student teaching begins, but after revisiting that assumption it seems quite incorrect. (Maybe even planning to do it along with my ALT work is a bit optimistic, but I think I could probably pass it off for work, and maybe even get some assignments done at the junior high school.) I was hoping for an interesting experience of a full-time job and I was looking forward to the money that comes with it, but actually I think a part-time job, about 20 hours a week, will be the most that I can handle. Maybe if I look for interesting part-time jobs, I might get more excited about it, but thinking about going back to Food Lion does not elicit enthusiasm.

Even so, I still feel like I’m leaning more towards going home. I think it’s almost inevitable that I will want to teach again sometime in the future, and getting the certificate and degree out of the way now will give me a bit of a break and give me some flexibility, so if I decided to try to work outside the field of education but regretted it, I could get back to a teaching job. But right now I’m in the best position I’ll probably ever be for trying a programming job in a foreign country, so I should give it a shot.

The middle path, getting a teacher’s certificate, would allow me to stay in this advantageous position of getting a programming job in Japan while also expanding my education field potential. It’s really the best option, though it’s also perhaps the most unlikely and difficult, and for that reason I think it doesn’t seem as appealing to me. Starting a programming job while also taking education classes would also be a kind of middle route, but I would imagine that I would have to make a decision within two months. That should be enough. But on the other hand, that would also mean losing all the setup. I guess that’s mainly housing. If I stuck around long enough to make up for that while still passing the education courses, I will feel much wiser and focused and won’t have lost anything.

Future plans thought dump

Today I considered my future options and realized that I was seriously entertaining the possibility of only being in Japan for seven and a half more months. Japan is great, but my present job prospects are not. I've done my time here, and hopefully I'll get a language certificate out of it in addition to useful teaching experience. Furthermore, if I want to come back, I feel like I have a good foot in the door in the form of a recommendation and experience. I am kind of preempting my earlier plans of looking for another kind of job, but this way my path will be set by early January, so I'd have to have a solid alternative prospect before New Years, which seems unlikely. So for now I'm going to provisionally plan to leave.

I need to decide what I want to do before leaving. I will have one more long holiday (New Years), and then the time between finishing work and returning to America. Ideally I think I would use the time in March to go to interviews and travel based on that, but I could put it off if something comes up. As for sight-seeing, I'd like to go to Nagoya, Kyoto, and Kanazawa. Kyoto is mainly to check off my list. Kanazawa might be a convenient stop on the way to or from Kyoto. To be honest though, I might skip one or both if I don't find a good incentive to go. Nagoya could probably be a long weekend trip--there's not a whole lot that I want to see. As for experiences, I would still like to do a farmstay. That might be difficult if I don't do it soon. Finally, I would like to give bikepacking one more good shot before I hang up my helmet. So I think that's my list:

- farmstay (Sept 14th or 21st)
- bikepacking - (October 12th)
- Nagoya (November 2nd)
- Kanazawa (New Years?)
- Kyoto (New Years?)

As far as moving back is concerned, my biggest investments have been my bike, violin, climbing gear, and bikepacking gear. The violin and climbing gear I will probably ship home. The bike I'll sell--I'll get an evaluation from Hard Off and then try to sell it and the panniers for a bit more, and if I fail I'll take it back to Hard Off. I might try to sell my hammock stuff, or I might just take it home. I'm pretty sure that some employee will be interested in my rice cooker, and if not I can probably get a bit for it from the second hand shop. Hopefully I'll get enough money out of all that to pay for my vacation to Kyoto or Kanazawa, hah. Checking the flights to the US, there doesn't seem to be any variation in the dates, probably because it's so far out. Right now the price is about $820 regardless of where I fly from or to. I probably won't buy my flight until New Years, which will be about three months before I leave--that should be enough time.

Back to the jobs. I had planned to apply to four kinds of jobs--international/private schools, programming, translation, and anything else that looked interesting. By going home I'm heading down the education path and improving my prospects with the education route, so there's no point in seriously interviewing for that kind of job. Most translation jobs require the JLPT N1, and I won't find out what my score is until mid-February, which will be too late for me to change my plans. I'm not very optimistic about programming, and I don't want to work in Tokyo or Osaka so I don't think I have much of a shot there. Finally, while there are no doubt other jobs that might interest me, the only way I can imagine finding them would be by going to a career fair type thing. It seems like a waste of time to browse through hundreds or thousands of job listings to see if one piques my interest just from a website's description. Looking further at career fairs, there's only one that I could attend before March - MyNavi Global Career Expo, in Tokyo, the Saturday before Christmas. There isn't much information about it, so I'll have to check back. I should probably do one more search for career fairs in October or November.

My reduced interest in jobs does not mean that I won't interview. In fact, I think it will be a perfect time to interview, because there won't be any pressure, and as long as I conduct myself well, it might lead to an open door in the future. I say this particularly with regards to translation jobs and programming. I'm not sure I could honestly interview for a teaching position. I'll give the local schools (all four of them?) a shot since it's convenient, but I don't think I'll try to travel.

As for other goals in the meantime, my first priority is to pass the JLPT. I would also like to at least give the taiko a try. I want to continue climbing to stay in shape during the week, and I'll play tennis on Saturday morning to help me get ready for going home. I think the violin helps my mindset, but it's last priority. I want to start going to church again, and I think I can manage it if I maintain this driven mindset.

One thing I need to figure out to survive this interim time (really just the next four months, I guess) is how I can avoid being a burden at the junior high school. I'd like to get to know the other teachers, but they're so busy that I'm afraid to talk to them, and they never talk to me. I don't feel like I contribute much in the lessons, but it's hard to know what will be taught until the day before the lesson, and by then it's too difficult to discuss things.

This plan might seem strange considering my history, because if I carry out this plan, it will have been the third time of pursuing more or less the same goal. Granted, the first time I probably made a good decision to pull out since it seemed that I wouldn't be getting the job required for me to progress. The second time though, four years ago, I was working on the same kind of program that I'm considering now, and I withdrew despite being almost halfway finished. My main reason was because I felt sickened by the cultural brainwashing and the lack of focus on actual teaching skills. Further, I was intimidated by the prospect of student teaching, especially after hearing some horror stories, and I was convinced that I didn't want to teach in the US anyway. Finally, I was thoroughly enjoying my programming class, and felt like I had a superior future in that.

What is different this time? First, the cultural brainwashing should be alleviated due to my choice of attending a Christian school. Student teaching is still intimidating and I am still not thrilled to teach in the US. However, teaching in Japan will have given me two years of actual classroom observation experience, which is something I lacked before. I think it will help my confidence. Finally, while I haven't given up on programming, my past struggles with the job search and pursuing independent projects have shown me that it may not be the ideal path I thought it was. Previously, I was also concerned about a teacher's salary, compared to which a programming job seems like a dream. Now I'm more at peace with the idea of not having a family and not living as upper-middle class, especially since a desire to leave the country might be inevitable.

To me, this seems like a logical refutation of the accusation that I'm repeating my past failures. But I do think it would be profitable to remind myself of my thought processes that lead me to the decisions. Unfortunately, I wrote one blog post in 2015 which was mainly an event summary and thoughts about my cashier job, and my posts in late 2014 were quite short, so I don't think I have a way to find out what I was thinking. I'm glad that this year I have considerably improved my writing habits.