My personal narrative

Yesterday I taught four lessons in a row that were observed by the city English program director. That was really stressful, and two of them were rather tiring lessons too. In the first lesson the director was constantly interjecting, so much that at times I wanted her to just teach the lesson herself. She is definitely skilled at asking questions and reacting, so I should be happy to learn from her, but instead it’s frustrating and intimidating. That’s probably my pride speaking.

Wednesday night I finished the Clockwork Universe, and was extremely motivated to study. Of course it was already 10:30 by that time so I needed to sleep, but I was so motivated and hyped up that it took me at least two hours, because I was thinking about things. One thing that I've always lacked is a directed passion, quite unlike Newton. Then again, Leibniz was similar, although he was clearly much more brilliant. But anyway, if I had to trace a consistent passion throughout my life, I would say that it is learning languages, and if there is anything that I have confidence in, it is my capacity to memorize. If I could make some kind of significant contribution to humanity, I would probably prefer that it be in the area of learning. But then again, the reason I take pride in my memory is because of my willpower, and finding a method to make that easier would take away my superiority, so I almost don't want to do that. Ugh, I'm messed up.

In wrestling with the possibility of not having a family, I feel like I need to change the narrative of my life. I truly believe that someone who does not have a family is, in a way, wasting their life. However, if the person does so in order to devote themselves to another cause, their lack of a family a forgivable offense. Newton is an example of this. He had no family, but that was okay because he was a genius who devoted himself to the study of God’s world. If I can devote myself to something like that, then I can feel that my existence is not a waste. However, I need to make a difference in what I do, and that is difficult in an academic field, considering I’m not all that intelligent, nor do I have a particular passion. So the best way to make a difference is to be a teacher and serve students in that way.

When I interviewed Mom for my assignment on Tuesday, she was surprised to hear that I might want to go abroad again. I guess that’s reasonable given my emotional difficulties of the past year. The only thing that would make it better at home is family, but I guess that could be enough. I really do think that feeling like a valued member of the community was the main problem, and that by being a “real teacher,” that lack would not be felt. Furthermore, I would rather not teach in the US, especially not in a school that requires official testing. Private or Christian schools might be okay, but I’m concerned about the salary. If I will never have a family, I think working at a low salary is fine. Even if I might have a family in the future, if I live frugally enough it might still be okay to work at a low salary. Let’s see, comparing my current salary and living conditions with working at a Christian school, I would be making a few thousand more dollars a year, but about half of that would go to the difference in rent, plus I would have to pay for transportation. So, the amount of money that I could save wouldn’t really change. Is that sufficient? I’m not sure. I should talk to the parents.

There are two things that I miss from being settled, though. One, my residences generally lack comfortable features. I don’t mind living without a dryer and dishwasher too much, but sink nobs really bother me. Also, I will be sad to go back to living without a nice toilet seat. Noisy neighbors make me unhappy, but I’d like the ability to make a little bit of noise (and dance) without worrying about others. Unless I can choose my residence, I have no control over any of this. The other thing may fluctuate, but at least for this past year I have felt a desire to own things without guilt, to be able to pick up hobbies that require space and tools, like farming or brewing. Living overseas, farming is unlikely to be possible, and taking hobby-type items with me as I move around is usually impractical.

I think these two items can be condensed as a denial of my dream to live as independently possible in a place that I built myself. How strong is this dream, anyway? It didn’t solidify as an actual dream until about six months ago, when I started watching tiny home videos. Yet my favorite kinds of video games for the past ten years have been base-building simulation games. Even as a child I loved My Side of the Mountain, I wanted a tree house, and my favorite Boy Scout trip was when we slept in teepees that we made ourselves from fallen branches and leaves. The question then becomes, is this dream strong enough to inspire me to give up going abroad? And further, can I pick a place to stay for long enough to make building a home there a reasonable possibility? It seems unlikely.