Considering other countries

I’m feeling antsy. I guess it’s primarily because of my job and my not-so-great relationships with the other teachers at my junior high school, but also I’m feeling the pressure of getting a more permanent position. But really, would it be bad if I never got a permanent position? I know a few older adults who have continued to work at a language school or moved up to teacher trainer. Only a few of them have family though, as far as I know. It would be nice to be in a job which would have transferrable skills should I ever decide to move back to the US.

Yesterday I mentioned to Hideshima-sensei that I might go to Morocco after I finish teaching in Japan. She said that it was a shame, and that I should look for jobs in private elementary schools in Japan, especially in Tokyo. I’m not sure I could live in Tokyo, but I have invested quite a bit in Japan. The language is my biggest investment that I wouldn’t be able to recover anywhere else. There’s also my bike and my camping gear which is probably about $900 altogether. I could probably keep some of the gear and I should be able to get some money by selling my bike. Thinking back though, I probably spent close to that on my piano in Russia, and I abandoned it without even getting money, and enjoyed it for less time than I’ve had my bike. Oh, I’ve also bought that violin here. I think I would take that with me, though.

What else is keeping me here? I do like the hours in principle, but on the other hand they’re better for social activities than productivity, and right now I’m managing neither. In fact, I wonder if part of the reason I feel so unmotivated is because I don’t have time to study or do things in the morning. At Narakawa and even at Kikyo, I usually had time to study Japanese and programming. I don’t have any complaints about the company, aside from my salary. But this paragraph is moot, because I don’t plan to continue this job next year no matter what.

My options in Japan are: a programming job, a teaching job, or some other job that I probably won’t know anything about. As I’ve written before, I like the idea of the programming job, but I find it difficult to motivate myself to produce anything, and without a respectable degree or a portfolio I would be suspicious of anyone who would hire me. Plus I’m out of practice and I don’t seem to want to get back into practice.

I guess it comes down to this question—do I want to expand my job possibilities outside of Japan? If I did so, I would likely be going back to private language school hours and responsibilities. Can I do that? If so, why wouldn’t I do that in Japan? My immediate response is because of the wage ceiling—unless I become a business owner, language school teachers and ALTs only make a bit more than I make now. However, it’s quite likely that I would make less in just about anywhere else in the world that I could easily find a job.

In the past, my main complaint with language schools has been the lack of continuity and community. I really don’t see a way around this, but my thought is that if I hop from one country to another quickly enough, I’ll be so interested in the novelty that I won’t be too bothered. And maybe someday I’ll find a way or a reason to break the loop. One problem with this is that I will be isolating myself even further than I already am. I will be consigning myself to a wandering life, despite preferring the comforts of home. I’ll think about it some more.

Mood swings

I had a difficult weekend, and didn’t do much of anything. On Friday I planned to tell my pastor that I would meet with him, but I ended up delaying and then I finally sent him a message on Sunday that I wasn’t ready to do so. I played some Factorio but I spent the majority of it moping and playing Sudoku, from what I remember. Monday was equally rough despite me having a decent day at school. Tuesday I had a trying day, but I felt very positive throughout. It seems like the cause of my emotional turbulence is still mysterious. I did decide to quit coffee. It wasn’t really an intentional thing though—I suddenly found that the thought of coffee turned my stomach.

Observation and slightly improved life

This morning I really hated my job and didn’t want to go to work. My boss was observing my first class, and I had some things to prepare for it and didn’t feel confident that things would go well. In the end they didn’t, but even so I feel better about my job. I was stressed this morning and yesterday, even though there wasn’t really anything to worry about.

I started re-reading the best Twilight fanfiction, which I’ve only read once before because it gets really intense. The beginning was quite slow, but it’s picking up in pace, and I’m enjoying it more than I expected. I also have been stressed because in Factorio I started being attacked my aliens, so I have been trying to think of a way to fix that problem, but yesterday I cleared out a small nest of them and walled in my factory, and I haven’t had any problems with them since. I set up mining and trains for all the ores, so tonight I’m going to build crushed ore processing—ferric, cupric, iron, copper, tin, and lead stations. If I have time after that I’ll make flotation areas.

On Wednesday I received an email from my pastor asking to meet with me at once. I was very busy on Wednesday, but less busy yesterday and yet I didn’t respond to him. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t really mind meeting him, but I don’t want to meet him at my house because I need to clean, and coming up with an alternative is daunting. But maybe I can just tell him that and it will be okay.

I said I was better a couple of weeks ago. I think it’s true—I am studying Japanese somewhat consistently, and I’m talking to my parents, and generally feel happy. But my motivation has only marginally improved, enough to study Japanese 10 minutes a day and keep in contact with my parents, and that takes just about all of my willpower. I managed to go out to eat with David last weekend, but it took a lot of willpower, and if David hadn’t cancelled our trip to the game center, I might have done so first, or maybe just never contacted him.

Today I feel like drinking something. This weekend I really need to get my hair cut and I need to work on the reservations for touring around Matsumoto. Surely I’ll get some of it done.

Neighbors

For the last two days I’ve gone home after work, played Factorio, eaten dinner, continued playing Factorio until getting tired or frustrated around 8:30, and then read fanfiction until falling asleep. I was re-reading an old Twilight fanfiction that I haven’t read in a few years. It was interesting to read, but when I finished it I was really dissatisfied. After finishing that last night I had some difficulty falling asleep so I also played a bit of Sudoku, and even then I wasn’t very sleepy but I finally managed to drift off some time after 1 AM. I woke up a few times in the night, and then kept waking up after 6 for various reasons so I finally just got up.

I was very grumpy and I internally complained about my living situation. The room’s size and layout is nice, really quite perfect for my purposes. However, the sounds and vibrations are concerning. The lesser annoyance, but the one that woke me up this morning, was one of my neighbors (probably my co-worker) walking around shortly after six with heavy footfalls. That’s always been slightly annoying to me just as unnecessary sound pollution, but since I sleep on the floor the real problem is the vibrations that it causes, which tend to wake me up.

The more major annoyance is my neighbors on the other side, whom I suspect to have at least one child around the age of three, and maybe an infant as well. Almost every night between 9 and 9:30, but also sometimes earlier and later, this child seems to pitch a fit for about 20 minutes. It also happens two or three times a week in the mornings. I don’t think it directly affects my sleep, but it does make me a little more irritable.

Not much happening lately

On Saturday I spent most of the day playing Settlements, a video game that I wasted almost the entirety of my new year’s break on and haven’t touched again until Saturday. I ended up going to the Indian restaurant near the station with David for dinner, and we had a good chat. He inspired me to give another look at other jobs in Japan. Also, I ordered saag mutton on the spiciest setting that they offered. It was quite spicy, but I didn’t start crying and I managed to eat it comfortably with only two beers to alleviate the spiciness.

On Sunday I was more productive, not only studying Japanese but even practicing violin, going shopping, and cooking dinner. I made some progress in Factorio too. Today I only had four classes. They were pretty fun because I had clear and reasonable objectives in three of them, and in the last class I was speak to many students. I’m looking forward to making some more progress in Factorio tonight.