New things come and go

 It’s been five months since I consistently scheduled and wrote in my blog. I’ve unquestionably felt the absence of it, to the detriment of the richness of my life experience.

A brief but unusual period of my life has come and gone in the meantime. For about eight weeks, I worked at a Fedex facility, loading trucks with packages to deliver. As it was almost entirely a physical job, it was something new for me. I worked with other people, but I didn’t really need to communicate with them much. There were slackers that frustrated me because they did affect my work, and sometimes we didn’t have enough loaders or too many boxes were supposed to fit on a single van, but for the most part I enjoyed it. However, the hours were from 3-4 AM (sometimes earlier) until about 8 AM. I like four-hour shifts, but this messed my sleep schedule up so much that I found it difficult to do schoolwork at the same time. The difficulty of the big assignment for the curriculum class I was taking also caused me problems. At the same time, I was trying to work out my practicum with BCA, being able to go and observe several hours of classes there.

During this time, my primary form of diversion was cooking. In mid-July we began a whole-foods plant-based diet (WFPB), in which we eat like vegans while choosing minimally processed foods. It’s a difficult diet I think, but it would have been more difficult ten or even five years ago. The availability of food catering to vegetarians has greatly increased in recent years. Anyway, I still succumb to the temptation of snacks that diverge from the diet, and when the parents go away I usually eat a frozen pizza for a couple of meals, but otherwise I’ve hardly strayed from the diet. I do miss certain things though, especially sauces with sugar or corn syrup. Even so, I’ve made lots of new and tasty dishes based on this diet and continuously find new ones to try. My best dishes have probably been Thai red or green curries.

As always at the beginning of new courses, I’m optimistic that things will get better and I’ll stay on top of my work this time. I’m going to fully commit to planning out my time though, because without doing so I’m certain that it will be difficult to do everything with excellence. I start that from Monday. Also, I’ve been working training my body for various gymnastic feats, and I think I’ve seen some results because I’ve been pretty consistent. I’ll talk more about that later, but I want to expand my goals to include stretching and cardio. This will also begin on Monday.

Objective-based schoolwork sessions

I had a new idea for dealing with schoolwork. Actually, I guess I’ve done it a bit in the past, but not very deliberately. Since I started my scheduling, I work on schoolwork for a predetermined amount of time. That does work well, but it is daunting on big projects and feels aimless sometimes. Instead, I think I need to set a realistic goal for each schoolwork session that is not dependent on time. Here’s an example for the assignment that I have due today about vocabulary activities:

Old way: spend 45 minutes writing about vocabulary activities

New way: write 200 words about vocabulary activities

As you can see, the new way is objective-focused instead of drawing my attention to the amount of time I’m spending.

I have been setting concrete goals for an entire day, but the larger amount of time meant that my goals are sometimes way off. Also, it’s easy to put something off until later in the day, which becomes the next day, and thus perpetuates procrastination.

Persuasive topics

I don’t feel like I have anything to say that I didn’t say last night, but since I’m getting back into good habits, including blogging, here I am writing an entry. I did read my Spanish novel last night. The Spanish-English dictionary on my Kindle has trouble with adjectives that change their ending. I was trying to look up the word “lisa” which is the feminine form of “liso”, meaning smooth, but the dictionary kept telling me that it was either a kind of fish or a slang word for beer. This morning I woke up at a good time, 6:45, but I ended up lying in bed for almost half an hour. I did finally get up, though, and cut six more boards for the composting box before eating breakfast.

I have to write a persuasive speech for my public speaking class. I don’t intentionally seek out discord, but Facebook is a rich resource for pushing my buttons. In the end I decided to avoid doing anything that was too recent or that I might feel very strong emotions about. One topic that grinds my gears is gun control. I don’t think I have anything new to add to the discussion, but here was my thought. I don’t mind people owning guns for hunting or for a hobby, but when people encourage each other to own guns for the political statement it makes or power that it has, I just can’t cope. What about the ability to threaten (at best), wound, or kill another human being should really be encouraged? Granted, the right to bear arms is in the constitution, but that was a provision against tyranny in a time with much less accountability and regard for human rights.

My other potential topic (kind of a joke, though) was that people shouldn’t express political opinions on social media. This isn’t social media, but I still feel a bit hypocritical writing what I have. It’s my thought though, and I’d like to record it even if to rescind it later.

Half year retrospect

I’m not sure that I have textual support for this assertion, but ever since I have felt the inevitability of adulthood, I have told myself that I will not be stuck in a rut. I need to always be moving forward, not just in time, but in wisdom, in knowledge, in skill, whatever. I’ve found, though, that life is very far indeed from a video game, in which you can see and feel the progress of the time you invest in something. Still, it is not impossible to make progress noticeable—I think it takes more deliberate effort and a stronger commitment to the cause, whatever it may be.

I began this entry with the intention of kicking myself for falling back into the same pit that I always do, bemoaning my lack of willpower. In the past, less and less as I progress in life, I have looked at people who work their jobs, feeling like a person with sight among blind people. Now it’s almost like I’ve put a blindfold on myself, and only take it off a couple of times a month. Isn’t that worse? Not to mention that this is an incredibly prideful way to look at things.

While that’s the kind of entry I set out to write, I think I will change tacks. I have accomplished a fair bit this year. I began working on my master’s degree, and I worked full-time while doing so for almost three months. I learned how to solve a Rubik’s cube. I built a wooden patio table. I studied Spanish consistently for two months. I read several interesting books, most notably a Clockwork Universe, but also three Shakespeare plays, two books about the periodic table, Pride and Prejudice, and a few others. I’ve done a lot of cooking. I’ve practiced the piano. I’ve reviewed most of the psalms that I memorized in the past.

For the rest of the year, I will finish the coursework for my master’s degree (all but student teaching). I will build a composting box(?). I will get some kind of part-time job to fill up the hours in between those things and cooking. Those are my only firm goals at the moment, so is it surprising that I don’t feel motivated? Woodworking has done me lots of good, but it’s so hot now that I really don’t want to spend much time on it. Mostly ditto with exercise, but I know it’s important to exercise. I need to make a goal for that where I can feel progress. I could try dancing again—I do enjoy it, but it’s discouraging when I’m perpetually doing it without putting real effort into improving. Okay, I’ll start with this goal—I will read my Spanish book instead of fanfiction tonight before I get sleepy, and tomorrow I will make a schedule like I was doing in May. I’m planning on cutting some wood too, if I wake up early enough. In that schedule, I’ll make time for goal-making. It will be a nice change of pace from schoolwork.

Job Direction Revision 71

I couldn’t sleep last night even though I was kind of sleepy and turned out the lights at 11. I guess I can attribute it to the glass of wine I had, or possibly the high amount of sugar I consumed yesterday (cherry pie + ice cream + wine + some candy after lunch). I had some good thoughts in the meantime, although I had most of them before midnight so it would have been nice if I could have rested after having them.

First, I’ve been saying that I’m looking for a job in software development. I looked for jobs again yesterday and after reflecting, I’ve decided that it would take an extreme case for me to feel confident enough to apply, and even more to confidently interview, for a position in computers. Instead, I think I need to have some kind of personal connection. How can I do this? I can go through my contacts and acquaintances and try sending a few messages. The other idea I came up with was to go to a career fair. I think I had planned to do this when I was actually in school before, and I really should have. I’m hoping that the chance to talk with recruiters in a lower-pressure environment will allay some of my doubts in addition to possibly opening some doors.

If, at the end of my student teaching, I want to stay in the US and don’t want to be in education, I’ll do Revature or an equivalent. The disadvantages of this are that I have to go somewhere random in the US, I probably won’t be paid as much as if I went straight to the job market, and I have to stick with it for two years. The first shouldn’t be a significant problem, the second makes up for itself, and while two years is a bit long, it should give me a definitive idea of whether I can handle the job.

Outside of these avenues, I think I will stop looking for a computer job, as it is just a time sink that makes me feel incompetent and forces me to back down from my fears. I do think I need to work though, but I’d rather not work full-time, and I will have to severely cut back on my hours in January. I’d rather not start the job in July either, while I’m doing three classes and trying to work out the two tests that I need to take. That just gives me five months. While I’d rather learn something new, five months of part-time work is not much of an investment to develop a real skill. I was thinking that I might as well just go back to Food Lion, but now that I’m writing this out, I think there are plenty of other places that I can do some decent work for five months. I’ve considered being a bank teller before, and I don’t think I should rule it out just yet. There’s also a loading job with UPS, which could help me with physical activity better than working at Food Lion, and there shouldn’t be a problem with it being short-term or part-time. I’ll keep looking through jobs for a few more weeks, but I need to start applying around the 20^th.

In terms of free time, I have a new principle—if I feel like playing video games, just make something. Programming, music, language flashcards, a woodworking project, even watch a video on sewing or some other interesting skill. In fact, one thing I’d like to do today is to make a list of all the things I’m interested in which might be on youtube or reddit. The important thing is that I want something to show for all this time that I have free. School is important, but I’ve spent enough time just in school.

June Review

The last day of June. I want to get back into the productive state I was in until the end of May, but I haven’t quite worked up the motivation. I’ll start by looking back on the things that I’ve accomplished in the past six weeks or so.

I finished the outdoor table, my first real woodworking project. It doesn’t really match the furniture, and I’m worried about the hard-to-reach places that I wasn’t really able to seal, but overall, I’m quite happy with it. It looks cool, both rustic and stylish, and it seems capable of fulfilling its function too.

In a few days I will have finished my third session at Liberty University, marking the halfway point of courses I have to take (there’s also student teaching in the spring which I’m not counting).

I started listening to music again recently. It inspired me to practice the piano a bit more consistently, and now I can play Bach’s 2-part invention no. 1 pretty fluidly, and I’m on my way to remembering no. 8. I’m also working on Grieg’s Gangar (Norwegian march) and when I get discouraged or feel like playing something more emotive, I play the theme from Legend of Mana.

I read Troilus and Cressida after finishing Timon of Athens. It took me a long time because I never really got into it. It’s an interesting play, but better to study than to read, I suspect. The ending doesn’t feel complete at all, even though it is pretty much marked by the death of Hector and a short postlude. After that I read the Paradise War, which I finished on Sunday. I read the Song of Albion trilogy in 2005 (I believe I even wrote in a book journal about it), but I didn’t remember much of anything except the third book’s heartbreaking ending and that I really enjoyed the second book. Although the first book was apparently unmemorable, I was still somewhat disappointed by it—it definitely feels like just a set up for the plot in the later books.

I’ve gone through four Javascript tutorials in the last week, which are easy and interesting and have made me feel much more comfortable with Javascript. It’s discouraging that the projects are so simple that I hardly even feel like I’ve accomplished anything, but I’m telling myself that if I get through all 15 of these projects, I should be able to write something “real” in Javascript without having to google every single step and without getting frustrated when I get stuck.

Anything else? I cooked chicken piccata for the first time, which was quite good on the first night that I made it, and plenty enjoyable enough as leftovers, which was good because I had days of them.

Satisfactory

I was set to have another miserable end of the week yesterday with several unfinished assignments on the last day, but I somehow did a decent job with most of them. One of them I decided to put off today. I could have made something up, but I didn’t feel right about that, and I really wanted to take my time and do a good job on it. It might be difficult to finish today, but it’s going to be my main goal, and I’m definitely going to do it.

Obviously, I’ve been in a fugue of unproductivity for the past four weeks. Most of that time was spent in Rimworld, but then I bought two more games. One didn’t keep my attention long, but the second one, Satisfactory, is like a fusion of Subnautica and Factorio. It’s dangerous, and I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time on it. Before I found Satisfactory, I actually wrote a good long two-page post, expressing my frustrations and struggles and doubts, but I didn’t post it right away and my computer deleted it when it decided to shut down. Apparently autosave only works if you give it a location on the cloud—how stupid. Anyway, that discouraged me from making an effort again anytime soon.

Today I had coffee for the first time in a few days, and I also woke up early. I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep, but Saturday night I did, so maybe that helped too. Whatever the cause, I was extremely motivated. First thing, I put the third coat of sealer on my table, and then I channeled this motivation to my factory. However, I was feeling too good for that to hold my attention for very long. I’m going to give an informational speech about memory (this is related to the assignment that is overdue), and doing some preliminary research about that further increased my motivation to have a good day.

I have three strategies in mind to avoid relapse. First, stop making video games a sinful pleasure, with an emphasis on sin. Whenever I feel bad about myself, it becomes my default way to avoid confronting my discomfort. I need to see it as an acceptable but suboptimal way to pass the time. Second, change my study position to somewhere with more scrutiny. Ideally, I would be in this location for a set time period every day, and at other times I would be free to move around. Third, ask my parents to help me stay away from game binging. Accountability works, as much as I hate it.

Another thought—I waste entirely too much time forgetting what I memorize. I should try the memory palace, even though I think my spatial intelligence is too poor to make it worthwhile. I want to get back into scheduling my day—I think it worked really well as long as I did it, and I lost my drive quickly when I stopped.