Commitment

 I’m afraid of commitment. I guess that is true, now that I think about it. If I commit to something, I fully intend to follow through with it. On the other hand, that means that I am afraid to get out of my comfort zone because I am afraid that I won’t be able to follow through with anything. Speaking of which—church is one area where I should commit but have not been able to follow through. I might be able to chalk some of that up to the lack of commitment in other areas of my life. Maybe. In summary, I think that it would be a good thing for me to seek out more commitment. If things don’t work out because of other commitments, well, that’s probably still better than being under-committed.

In other news, last week was rough, and to recuperate (or rather, to revert to bad habits, or to seek out consolation in the wrong places), I have gone back to playing the cultivation simulator game. Hopefully the pit will not be as deep this time. I will also make provisions so that I have other things to do in the near future. I will talk to someone about being on the sub list tomorrow. I'll have a few last school-related tasks to take care of as well. Then, my joblessness begins on Thursday.

My goals for this week (Thursday-Saturday) are:

• Some kind of social activity
• Exercise in the morning, or afternoon if it's raining.
• 2+ hours Spring/Java
• 1 hour job search (3 x 20 minute bursts)
• Adjust website to be more professional
• Get website up and running

I think these are reasonable goals. Perhaps they are more modest than they need to be, but I am excited about doing them, and they are working up to full-time job searching that will take place next week.

Back on the clock

 I mentioned last time that I bought a video game but was frustrated by the lack of documentation. Well, I found the documentation and ended up investing three solid weeks of free time in it. Fortunately, I haven't touched it for a week, but I still haven't felt great. I've been back on the old fanfiction train, which never makes me feel good about myself. As of yesterday though, I'm working hard and living life. Part three of edTPA, my big teaching project, was due last night, and I missed the deadline. It was like pulling teeth to even start working on it, but I managed it and did (what I think was) a decent job. I submitted it at 11 AM this morning. Afterward I cleaned up downstairs and vacuumed up most of the hair cloud that covered the floor (from Jared's dog). Now I'm returning to the document that I started last month and mentioned in my last post.

I tried working on programming some this week, but it was frustrating. When I work on my own projects, I run into walls easily. I only have enough momentum to break through a few walls before I run out of steam. Furthermore, without noticeable progress I don’t have much incentive to come back the next day and try again. This past week I was working through a course, the goal of which is certification in a collection of Amazon technologies. So far (about 3 hours in) everything we have done is more system administration and has no connection to programming. I should start applying for computer jobs, but already I feel my confidence sapped. I have made a few more connections in computer programming though.

On a brighter note, I was shown how to make cuts for cabinet doors, so I will be working on that in the near future. I watched a movie last weekend (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) which was related to the Chinese genre I mentioned, and enjoyed it very much. Tonight we may watch another similar film.

Xianxia in real life?

I have one more full day of teaching that I have to do. After that, I hope to take a break from lesson planning and spend that time working on my teaching portfolio. This past week was exhausting. It could have been because I was distracted, but I almost wanted to give up on teaching entirely a couple of times. I have really enjoyed getting to know the students, but the language arts are a frustrating subject to teach, I’ve decided. Even so, I have been pleasantly surprised a few times at how enthusiastically the students attack writing assignments that I give them. In particular, almost all of them seemed to enjoy writing a proposal for a change at the school.

Two years ago, I came home from Japan, and now I’m almost 34 years old. The past two years haven’t been exactly what I had hoped or imagined, but it has certainly been interesting. Last year in particular might have been the most I started off 2020 with the intention of doing challenges to keep myself progressing. That year I read a peculiar book series in a relatively new genre (to western culture) of progression fantasy. I rediscovered that series when I encountered a few Worm crossovers with that series (Cradle), and from there discovered another web novel (Beware of Chicken) which I just finished this morning. After that, I bought a video game called Amazing Cultivation Simulator, which is like Rimworld in the world of Xianxia (the Chinese word for the cultivation/progression fantasy genre). Fortunately, I got too frustrated with the lack of documentation to really get absorbed with playing it. It and the web novel also inspired me to consider my own real life in terms of progression.

One thing I really want to do is keep a record of what I learn and what I try to learn every day. Ideally, I would also like to keep track of the hours I spend on my pursuits, but that would be tedious. I do have some hope of being able to accomplish it, though, now that I have come close to establishing a nightly routine. But first, I think I will start a spreadsheet I update nightly with my weekly activities and my learning foci in each by day. Then, perhaps at the end of the week, I can write a journal entry expanding on them as well as my weekly thoughts. Yes, that seems much more achievable than a daily entry. For instance, this week I memorized Psalm 31:16-24. I would probably write down leisure reading as well, which in this case would be Beware of Chicken, and I might as well list my physical activities also (mostly push-ups). I hope this format will also provoke me to work on new things more deliberately, particularly on the piano/guitar.

A gap year?

I thought about New Year’s Resolutions around Christmas, and then completely forgot about them until yesterday. I don’t think I have done that in a long time, at least not while I’ve been in the US. I still don’t have any at the moment, but I may come up with some in the next few days. Today is going to be a day of reflection and some looking forward. I’ve been sick since Friday, probably with covid, but I won’t know for sure until later this week because I’m just getting the tests done today. We had a long weekend already, and then we had an ice storm on Saturday night that is far from melting. Even if I didn’t have covid and school was in session, my symptoms are noticeable enough that I would be very reluctant to go. All that to say, I decided to log my thoughts for the day, because I’m unusually clear-minded. I was thinking about writing this around the time of my birthday, but chances are good that I will have forgotten by then. So here are my reflections.

I said on my 33^rd birthday that I expected to be able to start my life’s work, like Jesus did. Heh. Obviously, that didn’t work for me, and why should it? God certainly does not have the same plan for me that he did for Jesus. Anyway, by all accounts my 33^rd year (and I think I can project all the way to the end of it) was a gap year. I spent most of it doing electrical work as a complete novice, and though I learned a lot, there hasn’t been any firm progression in terms of titles, certifications, etc. My last raise was at the end of May, to $13/hour, which is probably less than I would make after 90 days at most fast-food places in the current job climate. I enjoyed the work, but I can’t see myself doing it for more than ten years as a full-time job, and the job environment was rather negative (though that could have just been the company I was at). I really liked the hours, the combination of intellectual and manual challenges, and the fact that there was rarely any work outside the job site. Oh, and the tools. I liked the tools, maybe a little too much.

What did I learn in my 33^rd year? I learned that hospital bills are expensive, seemingly never-ending, and to be avoided as much as possible (thanks, kidney stone). I learned that I could live off $13/hour, although having a reasonable living arrangement made it more feasible. Thanks to my job in electrical work, I learned that a consistent sleep routine is highly underrated. I feel so much better when I follow the routine of winding down at 8, start reading by 8:30, and read until 9:30 or I am tired.

In Florida, I learned a lot about trusting in God to be my strength. I listened to two books that challenged me immensely: Desiring God and Knowing God. I think I’ve read the latter before, but it is so dense and expansive that I need to read it a dozen more times at least. Desiring God, though, echoes my conviction about the necessity of God being first in my life at all times, which is also the most difficult practice. I have read the Bible too, and I think that is important, but maybe I am not spiritually mature enough to meditate on it and draw meaning from it alone. I need something else to help me apply it. So, if I were to reflect on my spiritual life of the past year and determine a resolution from it, that resolution would be to be constantly reading a book that addresses my faith in God. With that, I project that the rest (prayer, Bible reading, memorization) will come naturally because it will be in my thoughts.

I have built two tables in the last year, and I am thoroughly convinced that finishing is the most difficult part of woodworking. Maybe next time I will remember to try staining and sealing before assembly and that will make it much easier. The first table (my coffee table) has a very messy finish. I think that if I get an itch to do woodworking in the next couple of months, I might try re-doing the entire tabletop. That’s not likely to happen because Mom already wants me to do a mirror frame as well as a couple of electrical projects at her house, and those take priority.

My original plan for post-student-teaching was to consider a post in teaching if I liked it enough and could find one in an amenable location. Otherwise, I would look for a job in electrical work. Now that my brother is an IT recruiter, though, he has encouraged me to return to looking for programming jobs because they are easy to come by. Honestly, I would feel much better putting another year in electrical work, getting my residential license, and then getting a job as a programming contractor with electrical side jobs. In my life, though, the timing never goes the way I want it, so I think I will just have to seize the opportunity for a programming job if I manage to have one. With that in mind, I plan to do some review on my programming skills while I’m student-teaching. I think that will come after I finish this table, and possibly after I do mom’s playroom lights.

For the past two weeks I’ve been distracted by an idle game. I haven’t spent a ton of time on it like I would an active game, but I’m sure it has consumed way more time than it deserves. Furthermore, I don’t know if it is the guilt or the game itself, but it distracts me from spending time with God (and other worthy pursuits too, most likely). Why do I play stupid games? Because I don’t have enough other tasks to do, or because I feel like I deserve a relaxing activity. Therefore, I need to find something to do that is a relaxing treat, and I need to find something that can always keep me busy. Woodworking could be good for the first, but it tends to overwhelm my living room so that I feel like all my recreational time has to be spent on it. Programming would be a good option for the second, especially if I tell myself that I can spend money on it by taking Udemy courses. That seems like a really good idea, as long as I am discerning in my choice of the courses.

Lewisville update

 At Lewisville today, we received some of our missing can light housings and put them in so that the women’s bathroom and the entrance hall are now fully lit. All we have left are the men’s bathroom and the bathroom vestibule, at least as far as I can tell. I put up an odd type of sconce and put in the other key switch for the bathroom. It still only works to toggle the power on and off regardless of which way it is turned, but I didn’t see another way to do it and Big John apparently gave it his stamp of approval. I wished I could have talked to him about it, though. It was a lot of fun trying to figure out how to make the key switch work the way I thought it should, even though in the end I decided it was impossible.

My weekend started out lousy with most of my Saturday spent on Rimworld. In the evening I went to visit my cousin Greg to see his woodworking shop. The furniture he built was awe-inspiring, and he also cut my wood so that I could continue with my project (after almost six months). Sunday, I spent most of the day on that project, an end table. I learned a lot from working on the end table. First, I discovered that I had been using my random orbit sander in all the wrong ways.

Snapchat and holiness

 I talked to Josh about Snapchat today, how it worked and what kind of content was typically seen on it. It sounds like the new Facebook, which people use to draw attention to themselves. However, it definitely appealed to me to have a ten-second clip of whatever I am working on archived for posterity (i.e. older me). I might look into creating a private account like that, but for now I will use the classic form of journaling, a blog (er… close enough).

Today was possibly my last day at the Lewisville Community Center, at least for a while. We got all the lights working that we had available to us. I did some rewiring of the can lights and installed some whips that will give power to some window blinds by pushing cables through holes that I made yesterday from just above the window up into the soffit and tying them into junction boxes. It was a good day of work.

I’ve been thinking about my future career a lot, as I tend to do when a change approaches. Also, a guy at work who does the data asked me about how I changed careers. Anyway, I have been thinking that I would like to try being a residential electrician. It would be good experience for side jobs, and it would also give me a way to help people. On the other hand, I am more interested in the controls branch of electrical work, which is more the opposite direction. And finally, my interest in programming has been rekindled for no apparent reason. I have yet to actually write any code this year, but I plan to begin as soon as I finish writing.

Also, last night I started reading The Holiness of God by R. C. Sproul. One passage of the Bible that has haunted me for several years and particularly recently is the scene where Isaiah sees God in the temple and cries “Woe is me! For I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips” (Isaiah 6:5). The book addresses this passage in the context of holiness. Examining holiness more closely in this book has elucidated a few mysteries I have pondered about the nature of God.

Relocation

 I’ve been thinking about relocating. For several years now it has been my plan to move to Virginia someday. Today I decided to investigate how to define that plan in more detail. First, I thought about my criteria. I want to be at a reasonable distance from my parents—ninety minutes is sort of my ideal, but I think I could handle up to four hours. I would want to live in a city, or rather on the outskirts of a city, at least as large as Burlington but preferably larger. This would help employment opportunities, meeting people, and general accessibility to goods and services. Ideally, I would have decent access to a larger city as well—within two hours. I wouldn’t want to live in a huge city though, especially not one known for its traffic like Richmond or DC. Neither would I want to live at or near the coast. The housing prices should be reasonable, hopefully similar to what is around here if not cheaper. I would need to find a good local church, but that’s a more advanced step. It might help me narrow down options, though.

With these criteria in mind, I examined Virginia and found it lacking. My recent thoughts have been of Roanoke and Danville, but it turns out that the latter is smaller than Burlington which probably eliminates it. Roanoke is smaller than I expected at 100k and a metropolitan area of 300k—about the size of Greensboro. It’s about 2 hours away from Burlington, which is a bit further than ideal. Also less than ideal is that the nearest large city is Richmond, over 2 hours away. Charlottesville seems like my other option. It’s over three hours from home, but has easy access to Richmond and DC, and makes New England a much more driveable vacation possibility. I enjoyed visiting Charlottesville, and I think I would enjoy living there.

While I have two decent options, I realized that North Carolina is actually much more ideal. If I move half an hour to the east or so, I could potentially work anywhere in the Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill area. If I move 30-45 minutes to the west, I could work in the Greensboro-High Point-Winston Salem area. Both of these areas have populations of over a million, which easily surpasses my Virginia options. Even Charlotte might have more potential than them.

While an actual employment would weight any decisions heavily, at the moment that’s not really a factor. Actually, I take that back, since I could conceivably move either direction in NC while staying employed at my current company. The problem with that is my lease. Money would also become an issue quickly if my salary doesn’t increase sufficiently. Also, if I’m going to do student teaching in the near future, I would prefer to do it at BCA. Even so, I think I will look into it just to get a feel for the possibilities and perhaps set up a tentative goal.